I've been depressed lately. Mostly stress. Barely any money on a daily basis, bills piling up and even though I live rent free which almost seems idyllic, everything is not as peaceful as it seems.
The other day, I heard a noise in this usually quiet house, and I leaped out of bed, grabbed the semi automatic handgun in my nightstand, and investigated. It was just the dogs growling at each other on and banging their heads on the glass door. I then did something odd. In my half awake state, I pulled my hoodie over my head, sat down on the big leather couches in the living room and pointed the barrel to my temple.
I contemplated putting a bullet in my head.
No one would know for days.
Not even my parents.
And then I thought...what if I missed?
I'd be in serious pain and slowly bleed to death. All over the nice furniture and carpet.
And no one would know for days.
I've just really been stressed out that my joints ache and I don't get enough sleep. I told my friend, Jamie, and we sat down and I cried in her arms. She gave me a big hug and she later treated me to a Starbucks and a movie; we went to see the new James Bond flick, "Skyfall".
She said if I ever needed to talk to just give her a ring and that I don't have to feel all alone and stuff. Mom gave me some money and I didn't ask for it. I love my parents, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I love them dearly. And they know when I'm lying. My brother said he would loan me funds to get by--he's an RN and lives well. I'm not jealous of the wealth he's accumulated, rather, I'd like to follow in his footsteps.
0612 AM. I think I'd better get some sleep.
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