state of the world

I was driving to work Friday and I heard the news of the shooting in Connecticutt on the radio. I pulled over to the side of the road and started crying. Tears just streamed out of my eyes and I was bawling like a baby in my car. All those little kids and their teachers.


I don't know why I'm starting to cry now.

a load lifted

Did about three loads of laundry and the dishes today. I had to force myself to do these things. Derpression is kicking my ass. Need to keep myself busy and my mind occupied from laying in bed all day. I think I got an A on the history paper.

I'll know soon when I go to the class website to see my grade.

hmm...sickness?

I think I'm coming down with a cold too.

Some retard in the break room, switched my drink out with theirs and I think I know who. Rhyanne. She was the only one coughing and there were two McDonald's large drink cups at the table where I sat. She came along just to ask if I was on break--why else would I be in the break room, and said, "Well you don't have to be all snooty about it!" Whatever. She gets on my nerves always wanting someone or me, for that matter, to work for her on my days off.

I like my job to a certain extent, but I DON'T like working every day.

if I die young

I have this song playing in my head. I  woke up with it replaying for some reason.

I like the girl's voice though, has a sort of mellowing aire to it.

History homework due tomorrow and I'm almost done with my citations so I'm not at all worried. Only thing that weighs heavily on my mind is my car payment is two months behind and the bank keeps hounding me for when I'm going to send in a payment. Being a cashier at Walmart doesn't exactly bring in the dough, but it does pay the few bills I can afford to pay.
s to see some
And since I was without a job the entire year of 2010, the apartments I stayed at in Tucson have Walmart garnishing my wages which adds on top to the depression I'm going through. My life royally sucks right now.

I'm sort of seeing this Brandon, and he knows my financial situation. He seems to understand that I have no money when we go out so we see each other once a week. I told him that I'm so depressed that if he wants to see someone else, to tell me and I'll be fine with that.

I don't really care if I'm in a relationship at this point.

Mars

That's where I call where I live out in the country because the leaves have fallen off the trees, the grass is dead and yellow, and the surroundings (even though its sparely populated around me, a neighbor here or there) is almost near desolate.

I was online doing some homework last night, history on the Cuban missile crisis and I wondered what would have happened if Kennedy didn't stand his ground and the Russians went ahead and started something. I wouldn't be here today. We need strong leaders like we had in the past.

Jamie said I should talk to more people and open up. Its not that I'm lonely, but I just don't want to deal with anyone at the moment. I talked to another girlfriend from Arizona last night, Sabrina. She said she's in the same boat, but she's so far behind on her house payment and with two kids, she gets so depressed. She's even going to take a second job on top of the one she has as a correctional officer at the jail.

We talked of old times when I lived in Tucson. She makes me laugh. I needed to laugh.

Makes Mars a little bit more bearable.

a girl in trouble

In the relative span of linear time, a girl in trouble is a temporary thing. That's what I figure at least.

Jamie said I should get fish oil and take long walks in the sunshine. Or walk the dog. I've got to pull myself together. Out of this slump.

as depression sets in...

I've been depressed lately. Mostly stress. Barely any money on a daily basis, bills piling up and even though I live rent free which almost seems idyllic, everything is not as peaceful as it seems.

The other day, I heard a noise in this usually quiet house, and I leaped out of bed, grabbed the semi automatic handgun in my nightstand, and investigated. It was just the dogs growling at each other on and banging their heads on the glass door. I then did something odd. In my half awake state, I pulled my hoodie over my head, sat down on the big leather couches in the living room and pointed the barrel to my temple.

I contemplated putting a bullet in my head.

No one would know for days.

Not even my parents.

And then I thought...what if I missed?

I'd be in serious pain and slowly bleed to death. All over the nice furniture and carpet.

And no one would know for days.

I've just really been stressed out that my joints ache and I don't get enough sleep. I told my friend, Jamie, and we sat down and I cried in her arms. She gave me a big hug and she later treated me to a Starbucks and a movie; we went to see the new James Bond flick, "Skyfall".

She said if I ever needed to talk to just give her a ring and that I don't have to feel all alone and stuff. Mom gave me some money and I didn't ask for it. I love my parents, even though we don't always see eye-to-eye, I love them dearly. And they know when I'm lying. My brother said he would loan me funds to get by--he's an RN and lives well. I'm not jealous of the wealth he's accumulated, rather, I'd like to follow in his footsteps.

0612 AM. I think I'd better get some sleep.

my lesbian sisters

I live in a huge house out in the country and no, I don't own it. Nor do I pay rent. Two of my girl friends asked me to move in with them and house-sit, feed their dogs while they travel back and forth to Tulsa for work. Eventually, they're going to sell this house, but not anytime soon.

Jana is an excellent cook and she owns the place while Julee is her girlfriend and they're the happiest couple I've seen in a long time. Jana said they were kicked out of an IHOP restaurant and that this state is not lesbian-friendly. I figured that gays and lesbians are accepted nowadays, but I guess wrong.

I don't have a problem with them. They're people to me. My best friends. They said, "You don't have a problem with us because you're a freak". So what? I like/love sex as much as the next girl, if not more, but I'm totally heterosexual. Nothing against girls.

And I love being naked. I love my body. And I love it out here in the country where I can do housework or just lay outside in the nude. Not much as during the summer because its been a little cold. Sometimes I'd like to have company over, but my lesbian sisters said they love their privacy and that they didn't want anyone over. "Nobody!"

I can deal with that. My friends ask me where I stay/live and I tell them and they ask if I ever get cabin fever. Sometimes I do, but it doesn't bother me much. Its not like I have social anxiety nor am I shy. I just don't like being around crowds or lots of people. A girl friend asked me if I wanted to go shopping with her at the mall; I squinched my face but gave in. She called an hour later and said that our plans were cancelled because her kid hand an ear infection. Awesome!

Mom called me from Walmart though. She asked, "Dani, do you need money?" I said, "I'm fine, Mom". She always thinks I need money since I work in a big grocery store and barely minimum wage. Granted, I could be doing better, but I also go to college and the hours aren't flexible. So I'm always scrambling for money. I had some cash left over from when Jana put money in my account to buy dog food.

Anyway, Jana made a meat goulash and I'm going to help myself to a bowl. Fully clothed, of course. I'm not usually naked when they're home.

today has gone

I mostly sat in front of my laptop googling numbers and calling people from Arizona asking about the status of my driver's license. It seems Arizona has it flagged--I found out I didn't pay a ticket in 2010. FFS.

And for supper, I made mushroom soup with bacon slices. I didn't even bother to cut up the bacon, but instead, put them whole in another pan to cook. I then got the strips and mixed them in with the mushroom soup. I'm stuffed like a Thanksgiving guinea pig. PIG.

So I'm going to rest for a minute or two...

long awaiting

I'm calling the DMV and I've been waiting 15 minutes for a HUMAN instead of a recording. Ugh. Frustrating. The random obscure sixties music is amusing though, crackly on my cellphone speaker.

first post

So according one of the Mayan calendars, the world is suppose to end in 19 days? I'll be surprised if I'm still alive then.